PRISON MESSED MY FEET UP

Faith – Works = Stagnation

I can’t say I ain’t shook by what I’m going through
so change was like a late book, it was overdue/
I play for keeps; you’ll fly if you take the leap
and this is how my faith looks, so I know it’s true/

- Rashad ILL

I do my best not to become one of those people who prays and asks
God/The Universe for things just to sit back and wait for something to
happen without putting any actual effort or energy into pursuing whatever
it is that I asked for. I see now that when I work as if something has
already been brought to fruition then it usually eventually does
materialize… but the trick to it is that I already have to be putting one foot
in front of the other in my pursuit of it and not being afraid of if the
ground is still there or not. It’s ALWAYS a case of sight vs. vision; and as
much as I hate to say it, sometimes sight ends up winning out.
I tend to overanalyze EVERYthing, so oftentimes I end up getting
stuck in a state of “analysis paralysis” where I get frozen at the crossroads
right before making a choice because I’m so afraid of making the wrong decision… and time just continues to pass. Then I look up, and its weeks
(or months) later and I still haven’t made a final decision yet. This,
combined with the notoriously bad habit that I have of letting things stack
up because I’ve put them on the backburner, tends to wreak havoc on my
peace of mind because I always hear that nagging voice in the back of my
mind saying, “HEY! Shouldn’t you be working on –insert project here-?
What the hell are you doing?” On top of that, the creative side of me is
like a little kid hyped up on sugar, because it wasn’t to engage upon every
idea that it comes up with… right then and there… So with all of those
things combined, I usually end up having multiple projects that I’m trying
to work on at one time, but end up stagnated on many (if not all) of them
because my perfectionism kicks in and I’ll be so scared that my projects
will turn out sh*tty. I could have 50 people give me praise for something,
but it will be the bad review from the 51st person that I choose to focus on
and use as my standard to rate the project as a whole, despite the fact that
50 other people thought otherwise.
I think my new favorite phrase is “burn the boats”. I heard it for
the first time on “The Tyler Perry Show” when one of the cast members
from the show “Sistas” used it in reference to a person letting go of all
safety nets and putting their all into something despite fear of what the
outcome may be. For those who are unaware of the origin of the phrase, I
believe it goes back to one of the famous conquerors (I want to say
Prophet Muhammad, but I’m not sure) whereas he was preparing to invade
a territory where him and his men were going to be drastically outnumbered, and he told his men to burn their boats so that there would be
no means of retreat and the only two outcomes would be victory or death.
Sometimes I find myself falling into a slump and having to fight
my way out of it mentally and emotionally to make sure that I continue to
move forward, or else I’ll just get stuck in the rut of THINKING about the
work that needs to be done, but not actually DOING anything about it.
I’ve been there MANY times, and I definitely know how hard it is to
shake back once you fall off into that state of mind… and the more time
that passes, the easier it is to just keep having that “f*ck it” in your
system, and you get further and further away from your goals, dreams, and
aspirations.
I have to constantly reinforce within myself the fact that my vision
of success when I get out, along with doing all that I can to work towards
securing my freedom, is what I am doing all of this for. As far as things go
in here, I’m stressed but blessed. I can’t say that I necessarily have
everything that I want, but I DEFINITELY have everything that I need.
Plus, all I have is time to come up with different ideas of projects that I
can capitalize off of. I think I’m going at a pretty good pace as far as
pursuing my goals is concerned, but I be trying to be on my Kevin Gates
“I Don’t Get Tired” sh*t, so a lot of times I just go until I burn out, take a
day to recharge, then get back to it. These books ain’t gonna write
themselves, these songs ain’t gonna rap themselves, these beats ain’t
gonna produce themselves, and these clothing line ideas ain’t gonna create
themselves. In prison, it’s extremely easy for a dream to die, and I REFUSE to
allow that to happen to mine. I see now that this sh*t is bigger than just me
and creating the foundation for my future success. When people in here
learn about the things I’m working on, I can see that spark get relit inside
all of those who have allowed their flames to get doused throughout the
years of incarceration. So, to me, if I give up and quit before I reach my
end-goals then I’d be letting all of those people down. The fact that I’m
giving a sense of hope to those who feel hopeless is enough within itself
for me to keep going. One of my biggest fears is getting out and being at
the bottom all over again. After doing all of this time, I can’t allow myself
to waste this opportunity that I have right here and now to get myself
together and continue to bring my vision to reality little by little, step by
step, and continue to overcome these obstacles if being successful is what
I truly want for myself.